As you can easily imagine, I was not keen to assume a role whose logical end was violent death. As soon as I was alone I began to think better of it. I peeled the tape off before it could mark my face with stars. I woke up with an enormous feeling of relief.
It was a dream about fame.
It seems to me that fame is something unpleasant to experience. My subconscious is telling me this in my sleep. You're thinking, sour grapes. But consider the truly famous. They have the same troubles that all the rest of us have, only they have them in front of everybody. Their illnesses, their failed relationships, even their cellulite appears on the front page of supermarket tabloids. Strangers feel free to insult them, even to offer them physical violence. They die with needles sticking in their arms.
Believe it or not, I was sort of famous once. A little bit famous. I didn't like it. People think it's okay to take potshots at you. You offer your work to the public, and folks you've never heard of sneeringly tell you it's no good. I'm ill-suited for that sort of life. I know, I know, you're going to tell me I should develop a thick skin. But for what? There's no money in it, not for most writers, and no respect either, anymore. I don't need to write. The people who really love me love me whether I'm writing or not. I used to have seventy fans eager to read my books, but sixty-five of them are dead and gone.Is this an announcement that I'm quitting? Not precisely. I'm going to finish Bucker Dudley and publish it as a paperback to give to the Lambertville Free Public Library, as well as a small number of friends, nieces, and cousins. See what a cool cover I made for it. Also I'm going to continue to write this column, just to amuse myself. But as for wooing New York publishing, never again. Fame, shmame. I'll be perfectly happy to live and die in obscurity. Don't look for me on a panel at Bouchercon.
New York publishing isn't what it was thirty years ago, anyway. The meals those editors used to buy me! The handsome waiters! All I got from my last editor was a cup of bitter coffee.
© 2014 Kate Gallison
I never read anyting that refers to dystopia. But for you, well. I'm sorry you won't be on any more Bouchercon panels. I first heard you on a MidAtlantic panel and you were a stitch. I went out and bought "Bury the Bishop." In fact I just gave a friend that copy of "Bury the Bishop." (I have a Kindle copy now) Have you considered standup comedy?
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People keep asking me that. But the way it works with Bouchercon these days is that the latest and hottest get the panels. I used to moderate panels at Bouchercon. A couple of years ago I bought ice cream for everyone there. They all forgot my name. Last year I couldn't even get on a panel, so I flew into a snit and cancelled. It's a big outlay for a very small return, in my case. Others have fun and achieve success, so I'm not advising against it. But my Bouchercon days seem to be over.
ReplyDeleteNever again. I was on a panel; good people and fun. My wife and I hosted a buffet dinner at our home for 60-plus authors the first night. That was good. Albany was not the place to hold it--in a convention center so cavernous you had to be very fit to get anywhere, and the fast food joints therein execrable. Most of the panels were dopey, although many good writers worth listening to. I got to see a favorite, John Lawton, here from England. For "the fans?" Spare me! Bob
DeleteJust got a phone call from Don Imus. He read your blog today - said he gets those dystopian nightmares too! No matter how many My Pillows he buys! Said he's sending you a chocolate bear to cheer you up! tjs
ReplyDeleteI see great wisdom in your reminder that celebrities are not having endless fun--which is how the media portray them. Alec Baldwin lives in my neighborhood--one of the few in Manhattan that the famous still share with ordinary folks like me. I have seen him pursued by paparazzi in the most aggressive, nasty way, when all he wanted to do was walk down the street. He was wearing sunglasses and a baseball cap. I would not have blamed him if he punched one of them.
ReplyDeleteI deeply regret that I will not see you on panels. You are the wittiest and most interesting panelist I know. :(
That's kind of you to say. I'll find other ways to keep my friends entertained, I guess. Maybe I'll post next week about panels.
DeleteOh, Bob, I've loved most of the conferences I've gone to but getting around these places has always been an issue, at least for me. I always use a walker when I go to these things because it's like being in a tank and I'm less likely to be knocked over. And I love readers-they're my compatriots-- but it's too clear that they're not spending their non-reading hours in vigorous physical exercise. ( I would include myself in their number) All the walking in cavernous areas must be hard for a lot of people.
ReplyDeleteNoircon does have some very interesting panels, but I must say that I think otherwise I've been watching the same panels over and over again for years. I go for the people on the panel not usually the topic. The British seem to be effortlessly witty. And, Kate, don't let anybody tell you anything different, you are damn funny.
Steph
Kate, I recall so vividly the first time I met you, at a book festival. You began to read and I began to laugh. It was one of the funniest reading I've ever heard. I am distressed to hear that you were treated badly by Bouchercon. This is such a discouraging period in publishing. I wonder sometimes how we all keep going, being pressured to write more and more, and then give it away for free to promote our brand that will then pay off in the end...how?
ReplyDeleteI ask myself the same question. You'll be happy to know I'm reinventing myself as a cinematographer, as soon as I figure out how to turn the camcorder on and off. (Would you believe the manual neglected to mention these details? Maybe I should go back into tech writing.)
DeleteHahaha. Yes, those little details they tend to leave out. Reminds me of another thing I find galling -- we're also supposed to manage/repair all our gadgets.
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