Friday, February 10, 2012
What if They Won the War on Women?
We take you now to the offices of Senator Bigbooger, who is wrestling with this very problem in a hypothetical future. Enter Toady, his aide.
Toady: Good news, Senator! Kate Gallison failed to send in her donation to the liberal left. We won the War on Women this morning. Homeland Security surrounded the last holdouts in a Planned Parenthood clinic in Boise, Idaho. Those who weren't killed have surrendered.
Bigbooger: Excellent. This calls for a celebration. Get my mistress on the phone.
Toady: Oh, I neglected to tell you, sir. She died yesterday.
Bigbooger: Died? What did she die of?
Toady: An illegal abortion. Don't you remember? You gave her the money for it.
Bigbooger: Oh, yes. And an outrageous sum of money it was, too. Call my wife, then.
Toady: I'm sorry sir, but she's gone to Canada.
Bigbooger: What for?
Toady: Her feet.
Bigbooger: Her feet?
Toady: Yes, sir. The puncture wounds from the tacks you strewed in the yard were becoming infected. Since we abolished Obamacare she has no health insurance in this country.
Bigbooger: There must be someone around who wants to party. What about those attractive interns?
Toady: Gone, sir. As I said, we won the War on Women. All the females have either left the country or died from inadequate healthcare.
Bigbooger: I did not foresee this. We have a problem, Toady.
Toady: Possibly, Senator. On the other hand, there's a lobbyist in your outer office who may offer a solution.
Bigbooger: And what might that be?
Toady: Insourcing Asians. This man owns a trillion-dollar shipping company. It seems that with just a few minor changes in the law, which he will happily help you draft, enough Asian women can be brought to our shores to fulfill every need, at very little cost to the taxpayers.
Bigbooger: Excellent. Show him in.