At least one member of our illustrious CWC Team has become a world class authority on South America and Africa! I'm dying to hear if she plans a motorized trip to Mars!
I often howl at the antics about cooking on Jungle Red Writers—so today I'm sharing with you readers my own culinary experiences.
Pardon my lack of self-effacement in this post, but I couldn't wait any longer to share with you one aspect of my S.C.S.( Superb Culinary Skills!) in … The Gold Standard Cake!
Please don't feel diminished by my superior skills in the art of cake-baking. Feel free to copy my secrets here and share with your significant others, aunts, cousins, office colleagues and neighbors—the knowledge I am about to impart on this page!
You will need a 14 K. gold Mark Cross pen to make your personal copy.
At your local grocery, buy one box of Jiffy Golden Cake Mix. ( Cost = 95 cents.) www.jiffymix.com Sold by the Chelsea Milling Company, Box 460, Chelsea, MI, 48118-0460. "Quality Value Since 1930."
Dump the contents into a shiny steel bowl. ( Any old bowl will do...) Add one egg, slightly beaten, 1/2 cup of warm tap water, stir for 30 seconds. Then beat by hand for 3-4 minutes. ( About 300 strokes ) Grease cake pan with good quality olive oil or butter. ( Real butter, not Margarine.) Pour batter in pan. Bake in 350* oven for about a tad over 20 minutes.
When the cake is done, feel it with your finger or a cool table knife, then let it cool a bit. Cut yourself a generous slice, get a stiff drink and go watch TV, while you gloat over your labors over the hot stove!
If you so desire, you can add any of the following to the pre-cooked batter: canned peaches, pears or mild fruit; sweet-oriented spices, a big swig of bourbon, Scotch, or Cointreau, nuts, raisins, prunes, chocolate chips, etc.
Whatever strikes your fancy!
When you go to the TV, it is best if you watch a program with my arch-rival Martha Stewart. Today I did this and turned to Madame herself on Ch. 13!
Lo, she was making a gourmet layer cake! Decorated with meringue frosting—would you believe! All the while telling ME the difference between Swiss meringue and Italian meringue. (Lordy, I barely know what an American meringue is!!!)
She looked right at moi and said she was making an "Absolutely divine wedding cake..." in her words... "Very simply." !!! (Ms. S., you and I have vastly different definitions of Simply)
I finished off the crumbs on my paper plate and muttered, "Lady, if you saw THIS, you'd faint right through the screen of my TV!"
So, I rushed back to the kitchen and got another piece of my glorious Jiffy cake!
P.S. No, I've not yet been invited to bake on Ch. 13…or any other food channel… But, hope springs eternal... any day now…
P.P.S. BTW, word has spread of my culinary skills … I've heard from the Princess of Wales, Michelle Obama, Bill Clinton, Jaime Dimon ( who is my neighbor - one block and $39 million away from my building!!!), Jill Biden and Kim Jong-un … to send them my Jiffy Recipe!!!
Oh, yes, Ari Emmanuel of Wm Morris Endeavor has suggested I do a mystery novel based on poisoning by Jiffy Cake... and Grand Central Publishing wants me to create a tear-out folder for all their crime novels for 2015 with my Jiffy Ideas… and the current pub of Fanny Farmer is now coming out with 1,000 and One Delightful Frosting recipes for my Jiffy Cake!
So, there's light at the end of the tunnel, gang.
Here's a Toast to Jiffy Cake!!!
Thelma J. Straw, Culinary Genius in Manhattan
( That's all, folks… aw, shucks...)