Sunday, August 23, 2015

How to Recruit Crime Writers

It might be easier for want-to-be crime fiction writers to file routine applications than to go through the dog and pony show that is often harder than executing a gentle freefall safely from the bar on the 101st floor of the new 1 World Trade Center in dense fog!

Suppose the Acquiring editors of the Big Five Publishers decided to force authors to fill out application forms based on the 3-page questionnaire found in the Al Qaeda applications from Osama bin Laden's compound!

That Navy SEAL raid gives us food for thought!

How many potential crime writers would find this a helpful exercise?

Would YOU be able to get a passing grade? Get hired?

Test your own skills…

Al Qaeda Job Application: In the name of Allah the compassionate and merciful… please write clearly and legibly.

Please answer the required information accurately and truthfully!

1. What are your career objectives?
2. Have you ever been convicted of a crime by any court?
3. Any hobbies or pastimes?
4. What is your favorite material - science or literature?
5. Are any of your relatives or friends in the jihad theatre?
6. List the types of passports you possess.
7. Did you use a real or forged passport for your current travel?
8. Do you wish to execute a suicide operation?
9. What objectives would you like to accomplish on your jihad path?
10. Do you have any chronic or hereditary disease (s)?
11. Who should we contact in case you become a martyr?
Address -------------------------------
Phone number ------------------------
12. What Shayks do you listen to or read often?
13. Do you know anyone who travels to Western countries?
14. Have you ever been in jail or prison?

Please provide some personal background (nicknames are welcome) and core proficiencies. Language skills and extracurriculars are a big plus!

Questions are followed by lines for an address and phone number of the person who will be informed of your not-so-accidental death ...

Hey, friends, who knew that in the dusty, arid mountains around Tora Bora there was a cave devoted to Al Qaeda's H.R. Dept… codifying the skill-sets of every applicant!!

Thelma J. Straw


  1. Okay, I can only assume that "find" was a hoax.

    But it makes me want to draw up an actual crime writer's application form. I'll have to go away and think about it. Anything to keep from actually writing crime.

  2. According to the Navy SEAL, this was a true event. I have great faith in our beloved SEALS. We could not continue as a free nation as well without these guys! tjs

  3. P.S. , Susan D., I'd welcome your creative crime writer's app form! Do send to us here! T. Straw