Unmagnificent Obsession

Obsess: To dominate or excessively preoccupy the thoughts, feelings, or desires of; haunt.

I have this secret obsession, a mad morning dash to grab the Times, not to check the latest Newt-gaffe or Mitt's mixup, or whether Dame Callista's hair has shifted a demi-millimeter, but . . .

To check Page 2 to see what Chanel is selling its latest "handbag" for.

Lots of folks have a private neurosis – sneaking juicy fiction by flashlite under the covers, hoarding Oreos in the freezer, collecting more shoes than that Filipino lady. . . Me, well, read on. . .

I've never called the thing I tote my worldly goods in a handbag. Or a purse. Mine is a pocketbook. (Neither a pocket nor a book.)

Mind you, I'm not about to hail a yellow cab down to the 57th Street Chanel store. Much less take a car service over the GW to the mall at Short Hills! Not for what the VPs at Chez Chanel think is a real bargain at $2,400!

A quilted handbag in calfskin with contrast leather - what the hell is contrast leather?

And what's this quilted cow stuff? You can't make a quilt from the skin of a calf!

These Chanel folks don't play fair - the next week they upped the same quilted calfskin with contrast leather to $3,600!

The gal pals I hang out with don't pay those big bucks for a container to shlep the ton of daily indispensables - like cell phones , smart pads, kindle, comb, brush, gym shoes, mirror, makeup, cough drops, headache pills, a Poland Spring water bottle, not to mention wallet, ID case, change purse and credit card holder.

Nor do I cavort with folks who carry wads of filthy lucre.

If I did carry one of these Chanel bags on Manhattan streets I'd have to keep a beady eye every second on the bag. I'd miss the walk light, run into old ladies with their rollators, or nannies with their strollers, trip over the sidewalk cracks, spend all my energy keeping the Chanel safe from robbers, pickpockets and pan handlers!

And you can bet your britches these little Chanels that cost only 1- or 2 thou are their bargain-basement items.

Up the ante and you can get the "Evening Camelia" for a mere $4,400. Or shoot your wad for the "Boy Chanel" calfskin for $5,100.

If you're into snakes, own the "Natural Beauty Hobo" bag in python. I'd be scared its cousin from the Bronx Zoo would slither up my fire escape and swallow me AND my python-skin bag as I slept!

Who buys this stuff? And where do they carry them?

Any fair-minded Gristedes checkout lady would deny you today's sale on their premier pork chops. And P.C. Richard himself would say you weren't eligible for his TV sale.

I suspect the Chanel CEO assumes we all have weekend digs in Dubai! Or villas on the Black Sea.

Now, my dears, if you don't like the Chanels, Tiffany will let you buy a "sofia minaudiere in satin" for a real bargain – $1,295. ( What the xcq# is a minaudiere?)

Webster says it's a small case for a woman's cosmetics or other personal objects. Hey, Mr. T, you want I should pay almost 1,300 bucks to stash my two-dollar lipstick from Duane-Reade?

WHO are their customers?

Are the young ladies at Spence, Chapin or Brearley required to write their senior term papers on "How to Properly Carry Your Chanel Handbag"?

Would you dare to put your Chanel handbag on the crumbly table at Starbucks? Or nestle it between your feet at a Barking Dog?

Maybe Joe Biden gives a Chanel to Dr. Jill for her birthday. Or the Trump wives donate their castoffs to the Brick Church Fair. Or the ladies-who-lunch-at-private clubs auction them off for charity!

Rumor has it that Q E 2 sneaks a Chanel inside that roomy pocketbook she carries on the Royal Arm. That should satisfy the folks who make book on what Her Majesty really lugs around the United Kingdom. And pretty Kate no doubt carries hers to Mustique.

Have you glimpsed Mrs. Romney with a Chanel? No doubt Newt showers them on Missus 3.

But I sure don't see HC swinging a Chanel chain on her Sec/State travels. Or Diane Feinstein holding one at a Senate hearing!

I bet if you go behind the Liz Arden Red Door you'll see a whole line of them hanging up in the Ladies' Lounge. Alongside the Perrier bottles.

Once I ran into Katie Couric in the Lexington Avenue Gristedes - I coulda sworn I spotted a Chanel bag on top of her Lean Cuisines.

Heard tell Don Imus ordered a bunch for Mrs. I. But she donated them to the Hackensack Women's Shelter!

I reckon if you're a ladywholunches, like at Swifty's or The Four Seasons, it's de rigeur to carry a different Chanel every day.

Gotta run, darlings, I yell, as I fumble in my J.C. Penney faux leather red pocketbook for my subway token. . .

By the way, I must confess I do love my Chanel No. 5 cologne!!!

T. J. Straw

P.S. Thanks for listening. Be sure you leave your comment. . .

Out of the Mouth of the Gray Lady. . .

I opened the Times for my daily fix and was perplexed by the items on A2. First, the box by Chanel. Not the usual picture of a ladies' purse for $4,500, a tad more than I pay at K-Mart, a price that could get me to and fro to Shanghai, including tips and drinks. But what looked like one of those rings they throw at you when you're falling off the yacht. "Cruise 2011/12 Collection Preview." Was this another name for a handbag? It was above my paygrade to translate.

Then "Inside the Times." It seems that Russian President Mister Dmitri A. Medvedev had fired Russia's longtime finance minister, Mister Aleksei L. Kudris, who'd had the nerve to question said D.A.M's skill in economic affairs. Told the top guy he'd rather quit than work for him. I happened to know already that A.L.K. KNEW D.A.M. was slotted to swap with Mister V.V. Putin at the next election. Was Mister K. just itching to get a transfer to Outer Siberia? Or worse? Like that little dungeon we happen to know about? (Wink. Wink!)

If that wasn't enough to give me a headache, the Turkish P.M., Mister Recep Tayyip Erdogan, had the GALL to try to enter the wrong way at the U.N. and was PUSHED by a guard!!!

This started the kerfuffle shuffle and a fracas that could be heard FOUR floors below!!! So awful it sent the lord high commish, Mister Ban Ki-Moon, scurrying (their word, not mine) (I thought only mice scurried) over to the Turkish Mission to make nice with an apology. Well, thank goodness someone has manners in that place!

As if that wasn't enough to curdle my coffee, some kids at Berkeley/CAL had a bake sale where they made students pay different prices for their pastries, according to their sex and race. You can't make up this stuff. It was called "Increase Diversity Bake Sale."

Price List:
- Whites- $2
- Asians - $1.50
- Latinos - $1
- African-Americans - 75 cents
- Native Americans - 25 cents
- All Women - a 25 cent discount
( Enough to start WW3 ! )

I turned to A 16 and learned about Rat Island, a small vacant parcel of land off City Island in Long Island Sound, a property on the market if I wanted to leave Carnegie Hill. Rat Island has no electricity or sewer lines. It is under water at high tide. ( Oh, wow!) But it has birds...

I could buy it for a mere $426,000. No traffic, no garbage trucks at 5 A.M. No yelling neighbors, no ringing phones at 3 A.M.

Rat Island was originally part of Thomas Pell's land bought from the Siwannoy Indians - like in Westchester Country Club, School, or Bronx Trail. It got its name from prisoners on nearby Hart Island, who escaped by swimming with cardboard boxes over their heads to look like bobbng trash. The place has served as a fisherman's landing, campground, kayak launching site and a viewing place for fireworks. Any takers???

The owner pitches the sale as a conversation piece at cocktail parties at the Yale Club , the Colony Club or even the New York Athletic Club – "I own an island!" (Hey, that works for moi!)

By the way, what's with these New Yorky islands up for grabs??? The Gray Lady also reported that the Feds hope to sell Plum Island, off the end of Long Island, that verrry weird, dangerous federal Animal Disease Center, where our own MWA Nelson DeMille revealed the real deal in his enthralling novel PLUM ISLAND with hero John Corey. "Sandy shoreline, beautiful views and a harbor!" says the NYT.

R-E-A-L-L-Y???

John Corey, help!!!

All the News That's Fit to Print??? I ponder on that . . .

Thelma J. Straw

P.S. Update on the sale of Rat Island: Buyer Alex Schibli bought the island recently at auction for a mere $160,000, which sounds like a real bargain. So, there goes the dream. Of course, there's always Plum Island - but I question if we could ever get rid of all those germs and worse. Now that place gives me the creeps...